PRACTICE YOUR ENGLISH

British people are known for being very polite when speaking and expressing themselves. However, those who learn English and come from societies that use a more 'direct' way of communicating can misunderstand the message being transmitted.

The following is a list of examples (includes humour) that explains what a British person says, what they mean and what others understand from such expressions.

Table 1: Dictionary with ‘real’ British translation

What the British say	What the British mean	What others understand
I hear what you say	I disagree and do not want to discuss it further	He accepts my point of view
With the greatest respect...	I think you are an idiot	He is listening to me
That's not bad	That's good	That's poor
That is a very brave proposal	You are insane	He thinks I have courage
Quite good	A bit disappointing	Quite good
I would suggest...	Do it or be prepared to justify yourself	Think about the idea, but do what you like
Oh, incidentally / by the way	The primary purpose of our discussion is...	That is not very important
I was a bit disappointed that	I am annoyed that	It doesn't really matter
Very interesting	That is clearly nonsense	They are impressed
I'll bear it in mind	I've forgotten it already	They will probably do it
I'm sure it's my fault	It's your fault	Why do they think it was their fault?
You must come for dinner	It's not an invitation, I'm just being polite	I will get an invitation soon
I almost agree	I don't agree at all	He's not far from agreement
I only have a few minor comments	Please re-write completely	He has found a few typos
Could we consider some other options	I don't like your idea	They have not yet decided

I received today an email with the following joke. I found it so funny that I decided to share it on the blog. If you are familiar with the consultancy work, you’ll probably find this joke very funny.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The young guy parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

He then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business...."

" ... now give me back my dog."

For a non-native speaker it could be complicated to practise a foreign language out of the classroom or study area. One must bear in mind that one of the fundamental bases in order to learn and familiarize yourself with a language is to be in daily or frequent contact with it. For this reason, LP Method has created an online newspaper called The Weekly Review, which has the main aim of bringing the English language to its students in a more dynamic and fun way.

As one can notice, The Weekly Review is divided into different zones.

Culture Vulture: A part on general knowledge which aims to expand our horizons on topics such as History, Art, Geography and Music.

This section can be very useful in order to understand that a language is not only a group of symbols and letters but a culture as well.

Grammar Under the Hammer: A perfect section to practise and to clarify any doubts one may have concerning grammar. This part is addressed to all levels of students (even to native English speakers!)

Learning and using some phrasal verbs, for instance, might result a little complicated for non-native English speakers. In this section not only will these verbs be defined but students will be provided with some examples in order to clarify any doubts they may have.

A good example would be ‘to egg on’. This phrasal verb means to cheer somebody up, especially when competing against an opponent. To clarify its meaning even more, it could be very useful to read the suggested examples on the webpage. However, it could be even more enriching if one personally tries to come up with another example: ‘I was egging my sister on all the time while she was competing against her friend’.

Think Language: This last section is created to be a little bit critical with the language. Particularly when being in front of a language that has got many verbal forms for different language contexts.

For example, the sentences ‘If Lara phones I will let you know/If Lara phones I am going to let you know’ would be translated into Spanish, for example, with the same verb tense: Si Lara llama te lo haré saber. However, analysing further, it can be noticed that in English the meaning of both sentences change. In the first one, the verb ‘will’ is used as to make an offer, and in the second sentence the verb ‘be going to’ gives a sense of intention to the sentence.

Other sections, Smile for a While for example, bring some humour to English and its culture. Every week some jokes will be posted in order to make the users smile.

Last but not least, there is a section dedicated to words and foreign expressions, especially focused on Latin. It must not be forgotten that many of the words in English have a Latin origin. A good example of this could be the word miracle, which originates from the Latin word miraculum.

To sum up, thanks to The Weekly Review one can learn English from very different perspectives that can be very useful for those who want to learn a language with a rich vocabulary and culture.

Visit The Weekly Review to improve and practice your English!

This guest post has been contributed by LP Method. LP Method is an English course online which programmes your brain in such a way that you will no longer have to think before talking or writing in English, thus improving your fluency. Sign up now!

Irish people are known for being very social and friendly. They certainly are and they also have very good sense of humour.

To put you in context for this joke, daft.ie is Ireland's no. 1 property website. Taking advantage of the latest snows in Dublin, Mr Plow has decided to let his apartment for just 57€ per week.



This studio is available immediately and its specifications are quite interesting:

Deceptively spacious open plan unfurnished studio in one of Dublin's top locations.

Carbon neutral, hand crafted Inuit design, beautiful ambient light leading to rooftop garden. The studio comfortably sleeps five.

Pets allowed, no parking.

Short term lease for is available the month of December. Owner is interested in selling if market warms up:

• Central heating
• Pets allowed
• Wheelchair access

Visit datf.ie to see the full property ad (and learn related vocabulary in English)

ESLjokes.net is one of those websites to learn English online that truly amazes you. The idea of this online resource is simple: it teaches different grammar lessons and key vocabulary through jokes. Sounds good, doesn’t it?

There are currently around 50 jokes organized according to the level of the student: Elementary, Pre-intermediate, Intermediate and Upper intermediate / Advanced.

ESLjokes.net is an excellent Web page for students because it allows studying English through jokes at the same time have some fun. Every joke contains a grammar explanation along with exercises to reinforce the acquisition of new grammar rules.

Teachers can also benefit from this wonderful online resource by printing out jokes and exercises as worksheets for the students. Using a joke as an educational tool will for sure make classes more enjoyable.

Visit ESLjokes to discover its wonderful jokes!

Doctor was addressing a large audience in Cork.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

A good joke to welcome the weekend! :)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Some geeky humor for the weekend:

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.

"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

According to a news report; a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

What do you think about the joke? Do you know any other in English?

is an excellent tool to keep in touch with your friends, share and express yourself. However, you should be careful with what you publish and the way you say things.

This girl surely learned the lesson.

NOTE: The following image contains offensive words and inappropriate language.



The text in the image (just in case it’s not clear enough) is:

The girl: OMG I HATE MY JOB!! My boss is a total perwy wan… always making me do shit stuff just to piss me off!! WAN…!

The boss: Hi XXX, I guess you forgot about adding me on here?
Firstly, don’t flatter yourself. Secondly, you’ve worked here 5 months and didn’t work out that I’m gay? I know I don’t prance around the office like a queen, but it’s not exactly a secret. Thirdly, that ‘shit stuff’ is called your ‘job’, you know, what I pay you to do. But the fact that you seem able to fu.. up the simplest of tasks might contribute to how you feel about it. And lastly, you also seem to have forgotten that you have 2 weeks left on your 6 month trial period. Don’t bother coming in tomorrow. I’ll pop your P45 in the post, and you can come in whenever you like to pick up any stuff you’ve left here. And yes, I’m serious.

You might be enjoying your holidays or just back from them. Whatever the case, a bit of humour in English will be welcomed. Do you recognize any of the following situations?

No, I haven’t won the lotto (or maybe yes). But in the last week I’ve received emails saying that I’ve won a million pounds, that I’ve won the google lotto, etc.

Some examples of these emails are:

From: British Telecom Office:

You have been awarded the sum of £1,000.000.00 GBP in our Telecom draw, get back to us asap

Contact email: contactmarcussteve@gmail.com

Names:............
Address:..............
Country:.................
Age:..........
Sex:..............
Phone/cellphone........

Mrs.Julia George

Subject: Tobacco … Winner:

You have been awarded the sum of £1,000.000.00 GBP in our tobacco draw, get back to us asap

Contact email: tobaccooffice1@gmail.com

Names:............
Address:..............
Country:.................
Age:..........
Sex:..............
Phone/cellphone........

Mrs.Julia George

NOTE: But I don’t smoke! And what’s more, Mrs. Julia George has several jobs; she works in the British Telecom and Tobacco offices, and we are told that there is a lot of unemployment out there?! Great! I’ve already won 2 million pounds!

Subject: 1,000,000.00 GBP:

You have just been awarded, 1,000,000.00 GBP in the 2009 Online British Lottery; send us your full details:
Full Name:
Full Address:
Status:
Occupation:
Country:

From: British Telecom Office:

You have just been awarded, £1,000.000.00 GBP in the British Online; send the following:
Name
Age
Sex
Country

Mrs. Caroline Bryan

NOTE: I’ve lost count; I think that I’ve already won 4 million, cool! And I also know that Mrs. Caroline Bryan and Mrs.Julia George work together in the British Telecom Office.

Subject: Urgent Information from Google ***Congratulations!!!***

Attention!!!
You have been picked as one of our lucky winners of £850,000 British Pounds in the on-going Google promotion.
For more info/ how to claim your prize, contact the processing agent (Mr.
Grahams Benfield) with the email addresses below with your Ticket
number: 00869575733664,CGPN:7-22-71-00-66-12,Serial
numbers: BTD/8070447706/06 & Lucky numbers:12-12-23-35-40-41(12).
E-mail(s):grahamsbenfield787@gmail.com, grahams.benfield @thedotmail.com.
Wishing you good luck!!

NOTE: More money! Great! And this time none other than a promotion from google, also called google lotto in the email. Well, well, it seems that google has already invented all the Web services, even an online lotto.

I’m going to answer all those emails right now so they can send me the money. I think that I’m going to give them more personal data and even bank account details just to make sure that the money is sent correctly… What? Is that SPAM? Oh no! Well, now that you mention it, it does look like a big amount of money.

Well, jokes apart, I think that gmail needs to improve the spam filter. I also hope that you have seen a reason why it’s important to have certain knowledge of English so you’re able to understand these emails and detect that they’re absolutely RUBBISH.

Do you usually get SPAM?

Someone in the IT industry gave birth to a set of twins,


Guess what they named them?

Question-all-student: I don’t even like reading in my own language, so don’t even mention reading in English!
Know-all-teacher: But, there should be something that you like reading, isn’t there? Any genre like Science-Fiction, drama, horror, mystery…?
Question-all-student: No, too much text. I like seeing some images and I also like the humor and having a laugh.
Know-all-teacher: Aha, then you must like comics! What about “Mortadelo y Filemón” or “Super López” (very famous Spanish comics)?
Question-all-student: I like reading them, but I would remind you that they are in Spanish, not in English.
Know-all-teacher: Learn English Online; please tell me that you have a Web page with funny comics in English.

Yes, Know-all-teacher, a short time ago I discovered a website that might come in very handy. It’s Gocomics, an online resource with hundreds of entertaining comics in English, from which you can motivate that Question-all-student.

There are some reasons why I love Gocomics: the comic strips are free, there is a great variety (it’s possible to look for something by title or editorial), the stories are really funny and with the comments in each comic strip you’ll know the opinions of other people and can take part into the conversation.

An example of a comic strip that you’ll be able to find is:



Link | Gocomics.com

I read some news in the BBC that I’ve found very curious. It’s about an 18-year-old guy who has painted something that he surely considered very funny on the roof of his parents’ house.

Would you like to see what is it?

The news is:



An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents' £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he'll have to scrub it off when he gets back from travelling.

Interesting vocabulary:

Phallus = polite way for naming the penis
Find out = find / discover / come upon
Scrub off = to remove (dirt or stains) by hard rubbing

A hard task is awaiting the young guy ….

Link | News in the BBC

A funny and true email that I got from one of my friends:

**WARNING**

A rampant and malicious virus is going around known as “.Work”. The main source of this virus has many aliases some of the common ones are “.Boss, .Manager, .Colleague”. If you receive work from your boss or anyone else please do not touch it. The virus is known to initiate a clean wipe and format your entire life.

If however, you do come into contact with “.Work” go straight to the nearest place where you can take it easy and receive the only known anti-dote known as “.Relax”.

Please forward this warning to at least 6 of your friends immediately!!

If you realize that you do not have 6 friends I’m afraid you have already been infected!!!!

Hi friends,

We wish you all a Merry Christmas and a great 2009. We’ll come back next year with news for the blog, including more interesting resources, exercises and learning guides. We are also thinking about some competition with presents for our readers.

Best of luck and keep going with the learning of the English language for the next year.

Have a look to some funny videos of a pretty crazy elf that we found dancing in different places.








Get yours in ElfYourself

I hope that you enjoy that joke about the adventures of a Texan in Mexico.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant after a day roaming around Mexico. While sipping his tequila he noticed a sizzling scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter: 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro. They are the bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck… bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'Oh, I am so sorry señor, but there is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day: Cojones de Toro. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, señor...

Sometimes the bull wins!'

It's incredible how things can change in almost 80 years. We present you another account about these times of crises. Look carefully at how "was said / were said" is used.

Back in the 1929 Financial Crash it was said that some Wall Street Stockbrokers and Bankers jumped from their office windows and committed suicide when confronted with the news of their firms and clients financial ruin. Many people were said to almost feel a little sorry for them...
In 2008 the attitude has changed somewhat:

An interesting and funny account, written in English by a person from the United Kingdom. It is always good to err on the side of humour during these times of crises.

By the way, look carefully at how the conditional tense is used in this text.

Thought for the day:

"If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Heineken Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £150. So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle."

Please, don’t take above tip to heart. There are better ways of investing and that will produce more money and fewer health problems! :)